Birthday in Heaven: Ways to Mark the Day

The birthday of someone who has died arrives every year whether you plan for it or not. Many families find the day hurts a little less when they choose one way to mark it, instead of waiting for it to happen to them. Here are 12 ways to celebrate a birthday in heaven, from baking their cake to doing a kindness in their name. If you want something the family can return to each year, a song with their name in it can become part of the day.

Hear a song made to remember someone

This one was made for another family. Yours would carry their name and your stories.

12 heavenly birthday ideas

1. Bake their cake. The one they always had, even if it was a store-bought ice cream cake. Light the candles and let the youngest person at the table blow them out.
2. Cook their favorite dinner. Use their recipe if you have it, and set the table the way they liked it, down to the ketchup bottle they insisted on.
3. A kindness in their name. Pay for the coffee of the person behind you, leave a big tip, or bring donuts to the nurses who cared for them. Leave a small card that says it was in honor of their birthday.
4. A song with their name in it ($39.90). Share their stories and the things they always said, and Songbond turns them into an original song. Play it at the birthday dinner and keep it for every year after.
5. Their flowers, taken to their resting place. Or to the spot where you scattered their ashes, or to their old garden. Usually $20 to $50.
6. Something planted that blooms that month. Tulips for an April birthday, roses for June, mums for October. It will flower on or near the day for years to come. Usually $15 to $40.
7. A gift to a cause they cared about. Their church, the animal shelter, the library. Some families give a dollar for every year: $72 for a 72nd birthday.
8. A birthday letter to them. Write what happened this year and what they missed. Keep the letters in one box, and after a few years the box becomes its own family record.
9. A night of their music or their movie. Put on the record they played every Sunday, or the film they could quote line by line.
10. A meal at their favorite restaurant. Book the table they liked. Staff sometimes remember regulars, and it can be lovely to tell them why you came.
11. The gift you would have given them, given to someone else. Buy the book, the fishing lure or the toy you would have wrapped for them, and donate it to a library, a youth club or a toy drive.
12. Their good dishes, finally used. The china they saved for special occasions, or the crystal glasses in the cabinet. Use them for the birthday meal.

How to choose a way to mark the day

The first birthday after a death is different from the fifth. The first often needs quiet and a small group, while later ones can grow into a gathering. Choose based on who will be with you and how they like to grieve.

• If it is the first birthday since they died: the letter, the flowers or a quiet dinner at home.
• If there are children in the family: the cake, the kindness or the planting.
• If the family is spread out: the song, which everyone can play at the same hour wherever they are.

Making it a tradition, not an ordeal

The families who find this day easier over time tend to keep one small ritual and let the rest change. Pick something you could repeat for 20 years without it becoming a chore: the same cake, the same toast, the same song after dinner. Say their age out loud: “Dad would have been 78 today.” It gives everyone at the table permission to talk about him. And skip the balloon release. Balloons end up in trees and waterways, and a flower planted or a kindness done carries the same feeling without the litter.

Their song for every birthday

If you would like a song to play on the day, make a song in their memory. It is ready within 24 hours, and express delivery brings it in about an hour if the birthday is today.

Also in the Journal: songs for the first anniversary of a death and songs for a celebration of life.